Thanksgiving Break

It's been such a blessing to be back home for a few days over Thanksgiving Break. Clint and I came together, and we've had such a relaxing and enjoyable time with my family. I am so grateful for them. For laughing and crying together. For being able to share things we're thankful for. I hadn't realized just how much I miss my family. I'm excited for getting to come back here after I graduate in December and spend some more time with my sisters who are fast becoming women and my parents who have invested so much time into my life.

The next few weeks are going to be crazy. I hit the ground running on Monday with classes and all kinds of pre-graduation tasks. I can't believe I only have 3 more weeks of training before I graduate on December 20. My time at MTC has gone so fast. I'm so grateful for it!

The Master Baker

It's always slightly amusing to me to see how God uses things that I teach to others to teach me. This past weekend, we went out to the Boys Home twice, once on Saturday night and once on Sunday night. Saturday night, we got to do a special dinner and movie night with the guys that we planned. We watched October Baby. I'm just gonna say this now, if you haven't seen it, you need to. It's a Christian movie, but it's completely unlike other Christian movies out there. It's so, so good. All of the guys, who are teens who like action-packed adventure movies, were riveted, and they were totally engaged in the movie.

At any rate, October Baby is about adoption, so I was able to share with the guys about my experience being adopted. Wow. Talk about humbling. It was humbling for me to be so vulnerable, so painfully honest about what I've experienced. All the hurt that comes from feeling unwanted by my biological father. All the questions that I've wrestled through. Was I a mistake? What am I here for?

I've answered most all of those questions by now, but whenever I talk about my journey, it brings all that pain back. And yet it's been a part of my growth and maturity. It's made me who I am today. It's thrown me on God in a way that never would have happened otherwise.

I cried while I was sharing.

That was humbling.

But it was also healing.

Just realizing that God uses my suffering for good. Always. No matter what I'm going through, He WILL use it for good!!!!

We talked about that same thing the next evening at the Boys Home. Clint and I shared the story of Joseph with the guys, emphasizing that suffering we experience is for our good. We used the illustration of baking. All the ingredients (flour, sugar, salt, yeast, egg) make a mess. We don't see the end result. But the baker knows exactly what he's doing. Using those ingredients, he can make a delicious loaf of bread.

We likened these ingredients to our lives. Flour is soft. It represents the comfortable things in our lives. Sugar is sweet. It represents the enjoyable things. Salt is good, but we can't usually eat a lot of it. It represents the uncomfortable things in our lives. Yeast doesn't taste good at all. It represents the painful things in our lives that are really unpleasant, but they make us grow. And egg is the protein. Raw, it tastes gross. Cooked, it is delicious. It represents the things that make our lives stronger.

God uses a combination of these "ingredients" to make our lives what they are. He knows exactly how much of each ingredient He needs to use to "bake" our lives to perfection.

So yeah, that was really good to teach. And then Clint went in to the ER on Monday night with appendicitis.

Ummmmmm..... what?????

God tested my view of my own teaching. I found myself wondering, "God, what in the world are you doing??? We didn't need this right now!!! We're already stressed!" I'm pretty sure I threw the adult version of a temper tantrum in my heart.

But then I remembered. God is the Master Baker. I am not. He knows why we needed this experience right now. He is going to use this ingredient for good, even though it may taste nasty right now.

Come to think of it, I'd probably make my loaf of life with only flour and sugar. Not only would that bread not rise, but it would taste disgusting and would fall apart, even though my finite human mind thinks it would be delicious. I'm so glad that He is the Baker and not me!

Life hurts sometimes. A lot. But God is using it for good. Always. And I can trust Him, no matter what.

Hospital Visit

Hospitals are definitely not on my Top 10 Destinations list. Not that I have a list, but if I did, hospitals definitely wouldn't be on it.

Interestingly enough, though, I ended up spending a day and a half in a hospital this week. It further confirmed my suspicions: hospitals are not very fun places to be. But I also realized, I am so, so grateful for them.

Monday night around 10:00 pm, I had to take Clint in to the ER. He had appendicitis. Thankfully, it hadn't ruptured yet. They admitted us to the hospital around 2:30 am, and we got about 4 hours of sleep before we had to wake up again. We thought he would be able to have surgery around 7 or 8 am on Tuesday, but it didn't end up happening until 2:30 pm. We had to stay until noon Wednesday before they discharged him from the hospital. He's doing good now. He's able to eat solid food, and isn't in too much pain right now. We're so grateful that we caught it in time and were able to get in to the hospital.

I've never been in a hospital without my parents before. It was a bit nerve-wracking, especially since the patient was my future husband. I was pretty scared, but it was cool to see God working and providing throughout our time there.

It gives me a much greater appreciation for those who are in and out of hospitals constantly. Hospitals are not fun, and it's so hard watching a loved one in pain. How do you do it? Just a day and a half left me so drained. I want to be praying more for you. I feel like I can empathize more with you.

Thanks so much to all those who were praying. We are both so grateful for your care!

There's Something about a Fire

On the last night of our camping trip, we had a huge bonfire out in a field on campus. Don't worry, it was planned.

There's something about a fire. I don't know exactly what it is. I love watching the flames move and dance along the logs. I love feeling the heat and warmth on a crisp, cold night in winter.

Fires are almost spell-binding.

A thought came to me the other day. Am I on fire? Not literally, of course. But really, am I on fire for God?

People on fire are spell-binding. Their lives are burning, crackling blazes of glory, dedicated and passionate to God. Others are attracted to them. They want to be near them, to learn from them, to catch the flame that they have for God.

I wish I was on fire like that. Recently, I think I've let stress in my life (which is high right now because we're getting close to the end of the semester) drown the bonfire in my spirit until it's only a little flame. I want to be on fire again. To not let my circumstances dictate how bright my flame will burn. To be passionately in love with God.

He Loves Me!

I thought I'd write a post about Clint, because I don't write about him all that often.

We got some engagement pictures done last week, and they turned out AMAZING! It made our engagement seem that much more real.

It's hard to believe I've known Clint for over a year now. We've been in a relationship for just over seven months, and we're getting married in exactly four months. Wow.

Every day is filled with new surprises and lessons that we're learning together. I am so thrilled that I get to learn and grow with this incredible guy.

I've learned so much more about God through Clint. It's amazing to be so close to someone who sees every fault, every tear, every frustration. And yet he still loves and accepts me unconditionally. I know I don't deserve it. I know that I'm not where I want to be in my Christian walk. Yet Clint is patient with me, constantly pushing me and challenging me to become more and more like Christ. I am awed by his love, and even more by God's love because it goes far beyond Clint's.

There are so many things I love about Clint. If I tried to name them all, you'd be bored out of your mind and probably be sitting here for at least a few hours. :)

So I'll spare you, but I want you to at least have an idea how amazing this guy is:

1. He loves God with all his heart
2. He is dedicated to reaching unreached people groups with the Gospel
3. He cares deeply about people
4. He balances me out and helps me think through things.
5. He is safe. I know I can trust him with anything.
6. He loves to laugh!

That's just a few things. I am so, so privileged and blessed to have Clint in my life! I thank God so much for him!

Camping Trip and Pictures

Ok here are a few pictures from our camping trip this past weekend. Half of our class went last weekend and half went the weekend before. I got to camp with my E-linc group.

Thursday, we had to pack all our stuff out to the campsite (which was in the woods on campus) and set up camp. Each of us had to build our own shelter with tarps, ropes, and sticks. Rachel and I built a shelter together, and apparently it was really good because Clint was impressed by it. :) It was an A-frame tent with just enough room for the two of us. It was quite cozy! That first night, it got down to 28 degrees, and it was COLD! But I actually ended up sleeping really well, which was a blessing!

Friday, we had classes out in the woods most of the day. Saturday, we got to butcher chickens, which was quite fun! I actually got to butcher some last month, so I knew sort of how to do it. It was really fun! We also had to hike through the woods using a compass and GPS (not the car GPS that tells you "Recalculating" all the time) to find coordinates for different things, including our meal for the night (don't worry, it was in a cooler). Then on Saturday night, we had a HUGE bonfire! Lots of fun! Sunday, we packed up and headed home.

So all in all, it was a great time! I learned a lot more about working with a team and just learning to survive out in the woods.  Here are some pics taken by my E-linc leader.

I'm Back (and other thoughts)

From the title, you can see that I'm back from my twelve days of disappearing. They were very fun days, especially because I had no idea that all sorts of things were happening in the world, such as the government shutting down. It's actually really funny how much happens when you can't check the internet. How in the world did people survive before they had the internet???

Ok so really, it wasn't that big of a deal.

It was actually a really sweet and amazing time. I got to spend my evenings around campfires or in my house with candles. It was so peaceful. I did a lot of singing and playing guitar in my house, which was fun and relaxing. And I got extra time to read (or listen to Clint reading).

I was struck by how simple and sweet life can be without things like internet, electricity, and sometimes even water. Yes, it's more difficult at times and can add a bit more stress to life in some ways. But it does something to the human soul. I think it's how we were created to be. We were created for nature, beauty, and a relationship with God. But so often, everything else clouds our view, and we don't see all that. We often can't even look at the stars at night without street lights getting in the way.

I got to see the stars again this weekend without any street lights around. And they were beautiful. So, so beautiful.

Oh, the things we miss when we let life choke out God! I know I've done that recently. I've let myself get so busy that I don't have time to think. Time to just be alone with God. Time to process things I'm dealing with. I miss that time.

To go along with my thoughts, here are a few quotes from the past few days of classes:

"We are bloated when it comes to biblical resources and atrophied when it comes to authenticity."

"I’m convinced that we don’t need to know more. We need to start living what we know."

"If God fits into our worldview, then we are god, not Him." 

I don't ever want to let God fit into my worldview, thinking that I have Him all figured out and I don't need to spend time with Him. I want to be awed by Him every day.

Ok, so I guess I've done a lot of thinking over the past two weeks. It's been good. And I pray that God will continue to teach me through my final two months of training here.


P.S. I'll be putting up some pictures from the past two weeks really soon! We did some really fun stuff!

Disappearing for Twelve Days

As a part of our training, we are required to do a class called Practical Skills, which teaches us things like how to cook from scratch (if we didn't know already), how to live with little or no electricity, how to use all kinds of tools (including chainsaws and stuff like that), and a whole bunch of other stuff. It includes a twelve day section called Simple Living where we are required to have no electric lights from 8pm-7am, no electric appliances, and also no internet or phones (just 1 hour a week for each). It should be a lot of fun!

So why am I telling you this? Well, that section starts this morning in half an hour, and I wanted to post on here so that you know that if you don't hear from me for the next twelve days, it doesn't mean anything bad is happening... it actually means I'm following directions. :)

And, if you try contacting me via email or phone, I may not write or call you back for a while.

I'm really excited about this part of the training, and I think it will be good practice for all of us to be able to do without various things that we normally use every day, like electric lights. And, we have a camping trip next weekend, so that should be quite a fun experience!

So, just in case you feel like I'm disappearing from the internet for twelve days, it's true. I am. :)

Not satisfied

Was really impacted by this quote this morning:

"Never be satisfied with what you knew about God yesterday."

So often I can just gloss over my time with God. You know, read a little from the Bible, pray, and get on with the day. Yeah, life is busy.

But I think when I do that, I'm missing the whole point of all those things. Am I just reading the Bible to say I read it? Or am I reading it to know more about God today?

I've been reading through John recently, and I read through Judas' betrayal and crucifixion today. Just a disclaimer in case you didn't realize this already, I can get excited about the craziest things sometimes. And as I was reading today, I saw something I'd never seen when reading the Gospels before (at least, I think I'd never seen it. With my memory, you never can tell). You remember the servant guy whose ear Peter chopped off with a sword in the Garden of Gethsemane? Well, I noticed today that he has a name!!!

Um yeah.... what's so special about that?

This guy was an accomplice to Jesus' death. Yeah, maybe he didn't quite know what was going on (John didn't include that particular detail), but he was still there, at least somewhat in the picture (otherwise, why would Peter have cut off his ear?).

And yet Jesus has compassion on this guy. He heals his ear. That in and of itself would have made me think twice about arresting Jesus. But not only does Jesus heal him, He makes sure that we have this guy's name written down. And now, when we read this passage, we can see that God cares about each and every one of us. He knows our names. He knows when we're hurting. He knows our life stories. He's not up there condemning us. He didn't do that with Malchus (that's the guy's name, by the way). We deserve death, but He chose instead to die in our place and to even go beyond that by healing us. He doesn't just heal physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and (most importantly) spiritually.

Those truths blow my mind. And I never want to get satisfied with that knowledge. I want to know more.

Suffering

I know it might be strange to write on this topic just after posting about how much fun I'm having with friends. But I think the two go hand-in-hand. Relationships are an incredible part of God's plan for our lives, but suffering is too.

I know I've written tidbits on this before, but I thought I'd post about it again. I've heard and read so much about suffering in the past few days. It's kind of crazy, but I think God is trying to teach me something.

I've kind of gone through life with the perspective that suffering is bad. Pain isn't good, right? Or is it?

I guess I'm just seeing more and more how small of an understanding I have of God. I see suffering all around me. On Sunday night, we were at the boys' home for ministry. Clint was teaching about the Fall of man in Genesis 3, and the guys were furious.

"How can God be so good when my life has been the crap hole it's been?"

Yeah, they didn't use the best language, but honestly, I think that is because of how deeply they've been wounded in their short lives. Many of these guys are fatherless. They've been told their whole lives that they are failures. That they are worthless. And so they act on it. And they wind up in juvenile detention centers and places like this boys' home. Some of these guys have told me that they have terrible nightmares at night because of the things they've experienced. They hate sleeping because it's such a terrifying experience.

I felt like weeping.

And then one of Clint's friends who are missionaries overseas in Africa just lost their baby girl this past week. It was so sudden. So abrupt. They didn't really even know she was sick until a few weeks ago. I know the pain must be so intense for them right now.

Again, I felt like weeping.

Why does God allow so much suffering? Why do teenage boys fear sleeping at night? Why do babies die before they've really even had a chance to live? Why? Why, why why????

And then I'm reminded of the truth of God's Word. He sees the bigger picture. We don't. He is working all things for good. We can't see that. He does ALL things well. He is breaking us to heal us.

If I as a finite human being want to weep over suffering in the world, including my own, how much more does God? He sees it all. It must break His heart so, so deeply.

I heard this amazing song as I was writing this, and I wanted to post the lyrics, because I feel like it portrays so well the emotions we often feel in regards to suffering.

You Do All Things Well
Tenth Avenue North

Father in Heaven, hear this simple prayer
Get us through the night and fill up our despair
Pain has come and taught us to fear
We’re gonna need some grace now to fill the air
‘Cause in the twilight, we need eyes to see
How You’re working beauty even out of ugly things

You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well

Father, among us, keep us in Your arms
There’s evil all around us and we’re trying to hold on
Just to know that You’re still good
And that Your love is alive
Oh, let us cling to Jesus and sing tonight

You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well

You break me to bind me
You hurt me, Lord, to heal me
You cut me to touch me
You died to revive me
You break me to bind me
You hurt me, Lord, to heal me
You cut me to touch me
You died to revive me

You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well